My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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