summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
