I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
