me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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