i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
