my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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