Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
