That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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