booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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