i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
