a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
