He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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