Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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