he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
