I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
