Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
