Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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