Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
