Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
