Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Alive.
So much puke
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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