It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
