At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
how drunk are you?
Several
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
