I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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