I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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