You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
