don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
