You're my little dorito
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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