was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
