bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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