I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
