if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
