your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
