If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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