So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
