i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
