Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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