The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
