Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
