i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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