farters have to be the big spoon...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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