The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
