every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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