I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
