3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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