My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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