there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
