a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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