I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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