I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
