A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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