i was born a porn star she said
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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