I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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