hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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