She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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