My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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