My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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