stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
