mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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