I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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