i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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